To commemorate the creation of this new page, I might as well start with an interesting thought.

A few years ago, I randomly made the decision that, after this specific day, I'd kill myself. Why? Couldn't really tell you; I suppose it just felt nice at the time, then it just stuck around in my brain.

Years would pass and I'd occasionally pop up. Like, I'd do something really good and think, 'Wow, this is great; better enjoy it while it lasts.' I was serious about it too. I never thought of how I was going to actually do it; I just knew I'd get it done.

Thinking back, whenever this idea popped back into my brain, I never really felt anything, just ambivalence, really. Then, the day came. I woke up and felt normal, like it was any other day. I didn't think anything abnormal, honestly. As the day went on, I didn't get scared or nervous; I was calm, really calm.

However, that night a few friends and I went out to this goth club. I thought, 'Sounds fun; it'll be a good way to end things off.' The goth club was fun, really fun. I was surprised that I'd somehow managed to wrangle so many of my friends in this one spot.

I was sitting down on some leather bunk-bed couch thing when I looked at my phone and saw that it was a few minutes past midnight. It was an odd feeling; for so long this idea was present in my mind, I was sure about it, I never doubted it, and I'd failed. I didn't feel sad or anything, just, once again, ambivalence.

I threw that thought into the back of my mind and went on with the night. The next day I woke up, my entire body aching from the prior night, and I looked up at my ceiling and just lay there for a while.

In that moment, I thought of all the people I'd met in life, how so many of them depend on me, on what I'd do to them by ending it all.

It's an odd feeling, living when I was so resolute on dying.

If you've browsed this site, you'd most likely have seen my charcoal art. I thought I'd take a bit to explain everything about it; I think it's a unique little art form that I haven't seen replicated (yet!), but I'd love to see more people doing this.

So, to start, like my sketches, I really only do charcoal when I feel particularly inspired; naturally, this means that these pieces are a bit rarer than my other stuff. It takes a bit to assemble all the materials; I use this big special paper, have to gather all my charcoals, and then find a good song to loop.

That latter is the most important part, truly. For me, this process is kind of indicative of me trying to make music into art. If I find a good song, I'll just zone out and make something naturally. Of course, occasionally I go in with an intentional idea, but most of the time I just freeform it. Any genre of music will do, but I rather prefer more looping, hypnotic songs.

Okay, you have your materials, music, and maybe an idea to start demoing. What now? Well, a warning! This art form uses no brushes or blenders; in my experience, they don't work well at all with the thick nature of the charcoal. So, you'll have to use your finger for making shapes, making new colors, textures, etc. This will hurt; the friction between you, the paper, and the charcoal will literally burn through your skin, so pace yourself!

Also, your finger will keep some residue smudges from certain colors, so try to use a single finger for your colors as to not possibly compromise the idea. Okay, so knowing all of this, you can begin! Assuming anybody actually tries to do this, here's a useful tip: in my experience, a lot of colors mix well...except black. Maybe mine are just too concentrated, but whenever I try to mix black and another color, it just becomes a darker washed-out color with black on top of it.

That's it, really. This discipline is very, very flexible; unlike most other forms of art, if you think you can do something, you can. Want to make a textured effect? Just use friction to meld the charcoal in whichever way you wish!

Like I said before, I'm still very new to this form of art; I'll definitely get better over time. Maybe I'll have to update this later when I do! Oh, yeah, if anyone actually follows this pseudo-guide and makes some hand-charcoal stuff, please, please send it to me! I'd love to see this art form from the perspective of another person.

So, to be blunt, friends make the world worth it, right? At my lowest moments, I can always point out one major similarity: I was alone. I evaluate my friends in a few ways, but to keep this thought to be a bit more digestible, I'll boil it down to two: the actual person and the idea.

Let me explain...the actual person is pretty obvious; it's our relationship, who they are as a person, our interactions, chemistry—you get it. In short, it's your physical presence and actions that give me a baseline idea of who you are and how I can relate to you. To build upon this baseline, the idea is how I mentally evaluate and reflect myself onto you, and you onto me.

Which means, how much of myself do I see in you? What can I learn from you? What can we learn together? It's basically just me connecting with you beyond our simple interactions; it's like a two-verification password system or something lol.

Okay, but what does any of this mean? Well, this all just means how deep and meaningful our relationship can be. Does this sound a bit clinical? I don't mean it either; I simply wish to be honest.

I heard somewhere that people in your life are seasons, that they come and go and reflect a point in your life. I suppose it's true, at least in my experience. It's always fun to think back at old interactions and reflect on myself and occasionally the people I was friends with at the time.

Oddly enough, there was a time in my life when I consistently lost friends year after year. Why? I don't feel like talking about it right now, but maybe I'll detail it in a part 2. But this experience kind of engraved in me this feeling of knowing that friendships can and may fade over time.

Of course, I won't be emotionless when this happens, but I've known so much constant loss and absence of friendships that I think I've learned to value memories and experiences.

The bonds that may fade will forever be present in both our past and actions and memories, so even if I lose a person, they're still a part of me. It's of the greatest value to me, both the mundane and great moments within a friendship. Truly, regardless of if it's a lesson or a simple day out, it's priceless to me.

As I sit here writing, I'll confess, tomorrow I'm going into a new environment, and I'm hoping I'll be able to meet a few new people.The seasons are always changing, right? I need a new set of friends; if I don't get them, life will quickly turn dull!

And to my friends reading this, if you even are (my IRL friends, not my online penpals, whom I obviously appreciate!), hiiiii, how are you? Ha-ha. Ha-ha, I don't just see you as temporary! My mind just defaults to the worst possible outcome. Regardless, friends are endlessly important, and I encourage everyone to find some wherever you can.